The current situation has drastically changed my pace of life. As a college student I’m very used to constantly ~doing~ and looking towards the future in order to plan accordingly. Even at the beginning of quarantine I took the stay at home order as an opportunity to re-orient myself for the best future possibilities: taking a heavy course load, applying to internships, etc. However, soon after I realized the undue stress I was putting on myself and have now come to view quarantine as an opportunity for rest and personal growth. Even though I do nothing all day I feel as though my mental fortitude is being tried. As an only child living with my mother who is a healthcare worker and gone at work all day, I feel myself once again becoming comfortable with being alone as opposed to my constantly socialized state as school. This is partly concerning because I do think it negatively effects my mental health and makes me feel like a hermit crab but it’s also liberating to experience no “fomo” and not worry about something I should be doing as I laze away watching Netflix. While I’m grateful for the break this has given me in that sense as a time to reset I can’t help but feel a little bitter that part of what has thus far been such a great experience at college will likely never return to what I viewed as normal in the brief window of time I’m given at Stanford. Hopefully that makes me all the more grateful for every moment when I go back, but I can’t help but be pessimistic because while on the plus side this situation has shown how adaptable and responsive humans are it’s also reminded me how easily we forget and how hard it is for us to feel collectively, at least in our society.

Another fascinating personal revelation I’ve had during quarantine surrounds my lack of hobbies. Although my time on TikTok and Netflix and chatting with friends has shown me that most of the U.S. seems to be doing the same, I am slightly saddened that I can’t take an interest in books, piano, or other hobbies I used to have like I did when I was a kid. There are also lots of new skills I am eager to learn such as skateboarding but I can’t find the energy to go out and get started and even when I do it’s inconsistent and half-hearted at best. I don’t know if this stems from exhaustion so much as a fear of failure I feel is much more present in my generation surrounding new things even at the young age of 20. Albeit that, I am extremely proud of the things have stuck even through quarantine. I went vegan earlier this year and have managed to maintain that throughout quarantine — even rubbing off on my mom and her eating habits, and have also been able to partake in fasting for Ramadan which is something I did not do when I was at college last year and feels comforting and familiar to be returning to.

Ultimately, a small part of me can’t help but wonder how I’d be doing in a parallel universe where this pandemic had not happened and how my life would have taken course after those experiences as opposed to this pandemic — living out all the fun of spring quarter, going to Indonesia for my summer internship, and then studying abroad in Australia 😪 — but I also recognize the growth and personal development that will come out of the current situation. Although it undoubtedly sounds dramatic, I truly believe this pandemic has changed both my present and future in ways I have yet to fully comprehend.

[submitted on 5/19/2020]