It was early March when my neighbor cancelled a business trip to Florida. I was so confused. I had heard a little here and there about this virus, but did not comprehend what was about to happen. At that time, I thought she was silly to cancel a trip by herself to somewhere warm. But it wasn’t but a week and a half later that my family was rescheduling our Florida vacation till June. It happened so fast. On a Friday in mid March my six year old son woke up with a stomach ache that kept him home from school. By Saturday we received a notice that they were not going to go to school the following two weeks. Two weeks later we find out schools will be closed for the remainder of the school year.

I am a healthcare worker and didn’t hear anything about this virus until schools and sporting events were canceled in one day. Work was so scary in the start. No communication, though now I realize no one knew what to communicate. I work in a clinic. There was no proper PPE for me. My job is considered moderate to high exposure risk because I am in close contact to a patient for a long period of time, but because I was in a clinic, I was not given n95 masks or face shields. I took it upon myself to buy goggles through Amazon that my constriction worker neighbor recommended. The first day I wore them at work I left with a huge headache. My heart goes out to those wearing this protective equipment for hours and hours in a day.

Between each workday I leave thinking about everything I’ve touched. Or the goo in my eyes that has been there since the start of the workday. My boys will remember their mom coming home from work, walking in from the garage in my bra and underwear (I leave my shoes in the garage, and take all work clothes off), throw clothes in the wash, yell at them that I can’t hug them right now, and run upstairs to the shower. In the mornings, I don’t care about makeup or hair anymore. Why does it matter? Patients don’t see my face anymore. We as people do not wear our hearts on the outside but we’ve always had our smiles and facial expressions to provide insight to our feelings for us. A patient of mine said he wished he could have seen my smile because he could have bet it was a nice one. Yes! I do have a nice smile! People can no longer can see each other. I can no longer look into the face of a patient and show them everything will be okay or that I am okay.

My trust in patients and coworkers is a battle. Easy to trust one minute; for example, a patient stood up in the waiting area with gloves, n95 mask, layered clothing. On our walk to my exam room she mentioned that she didn’t feel we were 6 feet apart. Hard to trust another minute; a patient stood up from the waiting area complaining of her allergies. Constantly pulling her mask down to wipe her mouth and “breathe better”.

Everyday at work we hear something new and new protocols are made. It’s necessary and hard to read everything to keep up with the changes. It is now the end of May. I don’t know if I see my field in healthcare ever being the same again. I expect to wear masks and goggles and possibly even more gear for much of my future career.

I have never been in to politics. I would vote only if I was living with someone I respected who told me who to vote for. I just didn’t care to learn more and because of that I felt ignorant in knowing the right choice when voting. Now I see ignorant politicians. I may have to rethink calling myself ignorant and become a knowledgeable voter.

I don’t think of myself as a social person. I use to struggle a lot with having set plans. It took so much of me to get myself to those social events. But now, I find relief. I no longer have to go anywhere or get the boys ready to go somewhere. No more wondering how I am presenting myself to others. It is weird but I am thankful for that. Yet now I am wondering if this is making me even more nonsocial. I am learning a lot about my character and my insecurities (too late in life possibly).

What is this doing to my boys social character? They were SO social and were great friends to others. I worry about how this is effecting their immune system. I worry about how this is effecting their cognitive growth. I have learned that I am not made to homeschool. My patience has lessened as time has gone by with this. My son is only in kindergarten and I find trouble with this. We had a reverse parade for his school the other day. We drove by as the teachers were standing outside their parked cars with signs. Many had tears in their eyes. I can’t imagine how they must be struggling with this change.

I tried to create an activity chart for my boys. It was outlined by hour everything we should do throughout a day. It was my attempt at consistency. Now I find the board hidden behind the desk in the front hall. Everyday is a new challenge with pandemic parenting. With my boys at home day in and day out, I worry about my husbands sanity. He is working from home with a 6 year old and a 4 year old. I am very impressed with how well he has handled this for the past two months, but how can he continue this. Will he still be okay months from now. We continue to hear different things about school this Fall. Seems there may be a good chance we will still be doing this virtual learning. This scares me. But we are very thankful to have a safe home for all of us because some do not. Uncertainty is horrible for me. I have always been a planner. I want to know what to prepare for my boys summer but I can’t. I want to know what to prepare for fall but I can’t.

On a lighter note, I find it wonderful to wear sweats everyday I am not expected to work. I embrace my gray hairs and wonder if I will ever attempt an at home hair dye or just see what natural looks on me. Cutting my husbands hair was frightening but hilarious. Hopefully I will improve and save on haircuts in the future. I am enjoying that the hurried start of the day to get somewhere on time is gone. I don’t have to wake tired boys up in the morning if they had a hard night sleep. I am finding I exercise more. My husband and I are happy to see that we DO get along well. Our binge watching on TV with spirits after the boys are asleep is our treat on weekends (when we realize it is a weekend). The boys are the BEST of friends…..most of the time.

Though this last paragraph included some gifts I have taken from this, in the end, I hate this. This invisible enemy is stealing memories from us. Stealing time and precious memories away from my children. We just canceled our Florida trip altogether. It was a trip we were taking with my parents. The worry I have for my parents, and the amount I miss them is tearing me apart. I miss my family from a far deeply. When can we travel safely? When will I be able to comfortably see my family without fear? If we do get that back, will we be able to hug without fear? I look at my sons each day praying they will stay healthy. My heart breaks.

I have days of deep depression the longer this goes on, but I will continue to focus on family as my number one. At work I will try to continue to do my job without fear. As an echocardiographer I take ultrasound images of people’s hearts. Some are healthy. Some are repairing. Some are broken. From this pandemic, I find my heart is healthy, my heart is repairing, but most of all my heart is broken.

[submitted on 5/18/2020]