One moment you’re joking around about having to work from home, and the next thing you know you actually find yourself in lockdown in the middle of a pandemic.
For many years, I have struggled with depression and loneliness. Even though I have been winning against my inner demons, this pandemic made me come face-to-face with them again. I’m locked inside with my family members, and yet loneliness is creeping up on me. But I’m not craving any attention. I want people to leave me alone. I want to retract in my shell and just feel something. Anything. For a while, I wished I’d get sick just so I could feel something again. I guess insanity is really starting to kick in. I’m breathing, but I’m not living. I’m struggling to live, even if I’m not fighting death from the virus. And I don’t even know why. I’m not sick. My loved ones aren’t sick. I’m not panicked by the whole situation. I feel like rolling my eyes just writing this down. I feel ashamed of my depression. There’s people losing their lives, and here I am selfishly feeling sorry for myself. I don’t want to go out wearing a mask. I don’t want to keep disinfecting anything I touch. I want to disinfect my own mind.
For anyone struggling during this time, know that you are not alone; I am right here with you. Get out of bed, go out for a walk, stay in touch with the people you love. Stay safe. Keep moving forward. We are worth it.
[submitted on 5/9/2020]
Center for Spatial and Textual Analysis (CESTA),
4th floor, Wallenberg Hall (bldg. 160)
450 Jane Stanford Way
Stanford, CA 94305
Stanford Mail Code: 2055